Category Archives: Blogging

Why do I talk politics on covid on a social-anxiety & loneliness blog?

The answer is very simple, we don’t have to tolerate FORCED ISOLATION and we don’t have to tolerate WAYS OF MEETING PEOPLE being DESTROYED. These disgusting ‘social distancing’ measures harm people who are lonely, who have struggled with meeting people and social anxiety. Anyone who’s seen the content of this blog will notice a lot of stuff about loneliness, meeting people and making friends, the barriers faced and ways to overcome them.

Why do I talk politics sometimes?

It’s simple, not only does it affect me personally, these medieval ‘lockdown and ‘social distancing’ measures ARE CREATING A MENTAL HEALTH CRISIS and are doing MORE HARM THAN GOOD. The coronavirus is not as deadly as originally anticipated (case fatality rate vs. infection fatality rate). These medieval ‘lockdown’ and ‘social distancing’ measures are doing more harm than good.

To check out off site (recommended)

lockdownsceptics.org

evidencenotfear.com

Rants from this blog

Covid 19; two alternatives to lockdowns

Covid lockdowns and problem drinking

Where’s the thought for single people during lockdowns?

Social media censorship; COVID

I published these before discovering Evidence Not Fear. I’ve literally discovered that site tonight (yesterday as it’s early hours). That site hass only vindicated what I’ve been suspecting. It’s a great round-up of evidence for the case against lockdowns and ‘social distancing’ (that term makes me sick).

Rounding off

If you are sick of loneliness and forced isolation, if you feel your social life has been destroyed, your job has been destroyed, your OPPORTUNITIES TO MEET NEW PEOPLE have been destroyed, if you hate authority, especially the misleading media, uo’re right to be angry. There are many people who’re angry and pissed-off at the lockdowns (lockdown fever I call it, the only reason so many countries chose it was PANIC, not rational debate). Anyway, the message is a positive one; don’t just sit there, take ACTION, even if it means signing petitions, writing to your MP (or local representative if you’re not based in UK) or simply QUESTIONING and being inquisitive.

Main conclusion

You don’t have to tolerate this forced isolation, having ways of meeting people shut down, having hangouts destroyed, being forced to avoid your own friends and family members. There’s something you can do about it.

What’s it like to be in early 30’s and not had a romantic relationship?

There are people in that situation out there, trust me. The experiences and thoughts are not that different to what you get in your teens or early 20’s.

Why I publish articles with titles such as ‘how to overcome nervousness with women’ and ‘steps to getting a girlfriend’

To give HOPE, to help people identify things that may have hindered, mistakes that may have been made, what could be done differently. Identify what you can do. I don’t say ‘you need to become this or you’re crap, undateable and unloveable’. I hate the platitude ‘don’t go looking’.

I don’t want to sound hypocritical with a tagline ‘another social anxiety expert’. A lot of the stuff I post under the advice is meant to both give hope, be helpful, has given me hope in the past, & I know it will help others’, it’s helped me make progress. I wouldn’t be sharing it otherwise. It’s just that so much advice on meeting, talking to people & being yourself is shallow & often written by people who’ve had no experience of social anxiety.

Common experiences of single people

  • Seeing happy couples in public and thinking ‘if only I was more macho, masculine, alpha, chavvy (men), if only I was more pretty, queen bee (women)
  • Feeling like you’re the only person among your group of friends
  • Feeling like you’re the only person in the world feeling like that
  • Feeling inadequate & getting those thoughts; I’m single because I’m; too ugly, to awkward, not tall enough, not slim enough, not charismatic enough, too socially-awkward, not not successful enough,
  • Hating warm weather and looking forward to thunderstorms & rain

It’s not something to wish on your worst enemy

Not having had a relationship at that age, whilst you’re not alone, is HORRIBLE to be honest. Speaking for people who’re in that situation, it can make you feel bad & alone. Especially if you don’t have anyone to talk to.

  • Complicating factor; no-one to talk to (be it an older family member, a friend a counsellor, a person outside the household)

What if people laugh at you, mock you?

They’re cunts who simply can’t remember their painful teenage years when they thought everyone but them was in relationships. Whether 20’s 30’s or older, being single or not having had a relationship, it’s the same feelings. Everyone should relate to those. If people who mock you;

  • They’ve had factors in their favour at the time they’ve taken for-granted (e.g. big social networks)
  • Have always had such factors in their favour & taken it for-granted (until it’s lost; covid)
  • Have NEVER EXPERIENCED that situation in your teens when you thought you were the only one*
  • Need somebody smaller than you to look down on (to impress your girlfriend, yeah, such an ‘alpha male’), (male-specific)
  • People who judge people by their belt notches & equate that with how good a lover they could be (female specific)

Their opinions don’t matter.

*Note; there are some people who take dating SO FOR-GRANTED that they’ve NEVER experienced that sense of ‘everyone’s doing it but me’ feelings.

How you can help people in similar situations

The best you can do is not take it for-granted, simply acknowledge having had those experiences that single people have had. You won’t be the lucky cocky git that gets girls, or the lucky hottie that gets guys forever.

Concluding

I wouldn’t wish such a situation on my worst enemy, but I would never mock anyone who’s in such a situation. For people who mock other’s for their relationship experiences or status, you should be ashamed & GROW-UP! Every new lover is a ‘first time’ so I hear. I’m sure all those veterans (those people who mock those less romantically-experienced) may feel the same as their first when they find someone new (that will be comforting). So what if I haven’t achieved the grand task of romantic relationships and sex. I’m hereby arresting you (officer normal) on suspicion of (crime of) not having had a romantic relationship by early 30’s, anything you do say could be used as evidence to shame you. You are a terrible, weak, pathetic individual sentenced by this jury (not guilty of that, guilty of what I’m saving ass from). OK, I’m guilty of not having had a relationship at that age, as might be clear. Yeah, people might judge, other’s won’t those who do are not the law. Honestly, the loneliness is horrible, for everyone who’s in a similar situation. All the song and dance is about lightening the stigma.

Negative feedback is better than indifference; all areas of life

I don’t know whether anyone’s made posts on forums, social media, youtube videos, had job interviews you haven’t heard back from, done blog posts you felt you put your heart and sole into, or a friend who suddenly becomes unresponsive. You get the idea; being in the dark.

Negative feedback and honesty is better than nothing at all

Regardless of what situation, nothing is worse than being in the dark & not having a clue.

Negative feedback may hurt, but NOT AS MUCH AS BEING IGNORED

I’m sure people reading this relate to this, whether meeting new people, putting a project out there, putting an opinion, there’s NOTHING WORSE than hearing nothing and INDIFFERENCE. That is the most HURTFUL.

How to give evaluation & feedback

Balance is the key, here’s an ancient simple approach;

  1. Start off on a positives (if you can’t identify any, give support for trying)
  2. Identify some negatives and recommendations
  3. Round-off on positives

Easy.

Why no acknowledgement can be hurtful

Whether reaching out to people, job interviews, trying to make friends, making posts on online platforms, it’s the same thing. Because it says ‘you don’t matter, what you say doesn’t matter, is less than, is inferior to, everything you do is a waste of time, you’re a waste of space.

Why can it be interpreted so negatively?

It depends on how lonely and accepted you feel, whether you have people to talk to or not. This will influence the degree to which it gets to you, there’s no doubt about it.

Two examples from experience of what this is about

a) I was once rejected by this friend of mine after being kept in the dark & unresponsiveness. I tell you, once I heard what she thought of me, even though it was negative and hurtful, it was a RELIEF! b) Also discussion came up in a forum several years ago about putting out posts and not getting replies. There was a lot of talk about how that can feel, getting any reply, even negative, can be a relief.

Conclusion

Negative constructive feedback is better than nothing at all and being left in the dark. There is NOTHING WORSE than being left in the dark, nothing worse than indifference (especially if you’re lonely). Everybody is a human being, even popular and successful people have had times they’ve felt like how I’m describing (I would like to think). I know it’s difficult, fear of offending. The time to give feedback is if people are feeling ignored or looking like they’re feeling in the dark.

*I was not given the super high-spec brain and other components most people were given at birth

Comparing yourself to others in blogging

Cannot help but mention this. How many times have you done several posts, sometimes thousands of words, divided by sub-headings and crystal clear bullets* only to find that they don’t get views, likes or comments.

*Sometimes shorter is better

On following

It’s nice having followers to check out, but there’s a caveat, you can end-up comparing yourself. You see all these others who look like they can exert the power output of a supercritical water reactor, put the creativity of JS Bach to shame & have enough self-discipline to arm-wrestle a 10 ton hydraulic ram (how it can feel). Anyone felt like that? I’d like to think I’m not alone in feeling like that.

Sometimes you get those moments where you feel your work is a load of rubbish & insignificant

Anyone feel like that? You have a browse through and just about EVERYONE has more likes, views and comments than you? Ever had that feeling? Those feelings are WORSE during times when you’re lonely, don’t have anyone to talk to.

My initial goals

As I may have stated in earlier posts, my initial goal was not views, likes and comments, but to have content available people could stumble across, content to refer people to, show mates, share in emails and social media. I originally started blogging as an extension to the blog function of various forums and of sharing insights.

Still it does get to me

When you get that impression that EVERYONE but you is doing better than you. You look at other people, you can’t help to feel inferior, that those articles you’ve put a lot of thought into over the years were rubbish and done in vain, that everyone’s better than you. Even if you do what you’re supposed to do, tag things up, drop the odd comments here and there. You do get those moments where you feel like you’re not good enough and ell other people are these super elite super human immortals.

Why I’m feeling like this at the time of writing

As said it gets to you more if you don’t have other outlets for your feelings, people to talk to, the CovID house arrest situation, the uncertainty & all that stress, nothing to do withe blogging.

SIDE TOPIC; It pisses me off when you see those occasional posts that are nothing but quotes that get tons of likes, views and comments

You will occasionally see this, people that just do copy-&-paste quotes with a few pictures, no interesting reading, no substance, no thought-provoking material, yet get tons of likes, comments and conversation. Yet some of us talk painstakingly about our experiences of life problems, share anecdotes, identify patterns from people in similar circumstances & do lot of research, talk about strategies & recognizing patterns yet get sod-all. Things like social anxiety and problem drinking, I apply the theory and the experience together. Things like that really piss me off.

Sometimes you feel you’re giving out more than you’re getting

I’m talking about earlier work. One of the biggest tips is to blog consistently. Sometimes energy drops (even perfect elite bloggers have this, you’re not robots, the device you’re using has more discipline than you, mere mortal human). One big reason things slow-down and motivation dwindles at times is you’re needing a break. It does at times feel like you’re giving more than you’re getting. It can be very VERY lonely. Why carry on? Because it’s like a journal you can put your thoughts out into.

It still does get to me

It’s kind of like being told give-up, stop, you’re worthless, your style is shite, your personality is shite, you’re not worth knowing, no-one will value you or what you do. Everyone’s better than you.

Why am I having thoughts like that?

Nothing to do with blogging, but it does trigger painful thoughts in conjunction with my current single and chronically-isolated situation. Having a poor social support network and currently being in a sub-ideal place in a sub-ideal situation. A good support network, less isolation, more connection with others would be the remedy.

I’m not going to match other people, I’ll just be me

I’m not going to emulate model blogs, I’m sticking to my original mission with my original style, and am open to feedback. I’ll implement more measures of what successful blogs do (without overwhelm & without feeling I ‘should’).

Don’t worry about traffic and views (patience)

Hello and good day.

Today’s post is to express that you shouldn’t be relying on your blog for validation, specifically aimed at people who’re lonely. If you’re lonely & don’t get out much it’s very easy to get caught up in the trap of checking social media, your emails, forums and also your own blog for views, likes, comments etc. The main point here is, don’t rely on your blog for that.

Focus on the right things, the original reasons; what did you want when you set the blog up? I guarantee you it was not views, likes and comments.

For me it was to put ideas out there that I keep in journals and put them in a place that is publicly visible that people can stumble upon. I set up mine to treat life as a social study.

I also set up mine because;

  • I think I can offer better advice to shy people than ‘just get out there’, ‘just be more confident’, just be yourself’ & all the other bollocks & think it’s unacceptable that even professional counselors can’t give better advice
  • I’ve also covered the ways of meeting people & the various pros and cons of each avenue which might shed a lot of insight into why so many people are lonely
  • I think the whole ‘depression is an illness’ thing is a load of rubbish; depression (losing motivation & interest) is a sign that our lives are not working and it’s all getting too much (e.g. our needs are not well-met enough, we’re wilting like a plant that hasn’t been watered), see my pages on ‘depression’
  • I think the disease model of addiction is a load of rubbish too; addictions are learned patterns, see my pages on ‘problem drinking’

You’ve got your thoughts to show your mates

The great thing about blogs is, if you’ve got insights you can share and link to at your fingertips when the mind goes blank or you can’t recall them. You can bypass that hydraulically-powered stopper in your brain that prevents you from recalling things. You’ve got your insights to show to your friends.

That be all

Don’t be discouraged if you’ve put your heart and soul into making a post and you hear nothing, especially if you made a post previously you thought was mediocre that had some views, likes or comments. STICK TO YOUR GUNS!!

 

Computer vs. paper notebook

In some ways I think writing notes in a ring binder can be more convenient than using word processing software and making draugts on forums and blogging platforms.

With I.T. you’ve got the nonsense of booting up your machine, logging in to your operating system, opening your browser, logging into the sites then writing. This might make you forget. With a notebook or ring-binder, you just have to flip it open and have a pen or pencil handy (if you’ve got your notes organized in categories with dividers, sorted).

With using ‘hard’ writing techniques, you might not have things organized in the order as and when they come out. You’ll have to shuffle things about to categorize them later.

With a notebook or ring-binder, you just flip it and voila. With IT, getting to the category you want in some ways might not be as ergonomically-friendly as the old systems.

Digital and hard ways both have pros and cons.

How do I draught posts?

Posts in the categories ‘rants’, ‘personal’ are written impromtu, not draughted in any way; fueled by how I’m feeling when I write them. Of the posts in some of the other categories, some have been draughted in hard form, some electronic. I’ve noticed two types of posts that have gotten views and likes; those that were written in the moment, & those written as an extension to notes of facts in hard form.

Keep a notebook handy all the time

You’ve got it spat out, no fear of forgetting it, you know where it is. At least you don’t have to worry about people viewing or commenting. You don’t have to worry about the system playing up or the Internet playing dirty tricks on you. You can edit at a later date. Don’t rely on I.T. Don’t depend on it!

When you have slow traffic, don’t get discouraged

Slow traffic? Wondering why you don’ get views, we’ve all been there (I certainly hope so). Anyway, that’s not the topic, the topic is something I Googled up when searching for an explanation. The reason I set this blog up was not to get views, but as something with insights that I could show other people on overcoming social anxiety as will be explained in my ‘about’ page. I see it as an extension to the blog functions you get on forums with a few more tools at my disposal. A space where my insights and thoughts would be visible. Nevertheless, one part of you does care what people think even if it’s something that’s not originally important.

Anyway, when searching around, I found one of those articles titled along the lines of ‘x reasons why you don’t get traffic’,one of the bold points/reasons in this article was;

  • ‘because your content sucks’

Most (decent) people reading this would agree that saying something like that is a pretty hurtful and discouraging thing to say. Saying things like that can make people feel like giving up on any endeavor. There is absolutely no way way I would say that to anyone if I was giving feedback or explaining likely reasons why a problem is so. If the person writing that thinks they’re in such a position to give advice, mentor and teach others, they wouldn’t be that thoughtless and tactless to their audience would they? There’s only one reason why a so-called expert would be that thoughtless;

  • his popularity and click count is more important than the advice he gives

I hate to be so blunt, but reading that article made me cross. Clearly the guy who wrote it had an massive ego and was obviously more concerned with popularity than the actual quality of the advice he was giving or his audience. If I was a blogging expert (or giving advice on any topic) and wanted to illustrate common problems, I wouldn’t want my readers to feel like giving up.

This blog is largely focused on overcoming social anxiety, conversation and overcoming roadblocks to meeting people. There’s absolutely no way, shape or form I’ll say things like ‘don’t be shy and weird’, ‘your social skills suck’. I look into things such as what makes conversation difficult, what gets in the way of basic social skills and what can be done. Substance and quality is more important than click bait.

Did you actually pay attention?

Yes of course. There’s two arguments, the same advice that’s available in articles worded like that is also available from countless other articles and youtube channels and secondly, giving advice does not give you a license to be a tactless git.

Never let the bastard grind you down

There’s absolutely no way I’m giving up blogging and I certainly hope that anyone who reads this who’s been in a similar position keeps going. By all means, listen to good balanced feedback by all means, but don’t let thoughtless, tactless advice put you off. There’s too many shallow people out there who have no consideration what-so-ever for their audience, just don’t be one of them.

I’ve noticed something, once people get popular, be it blogs or youtube channels, they get drunk on views and popularity, becoming tactless to their audience being one manifestation of this, the quality of content become generic and boring being another. This probably explains why most the stuff you get on your Google results tends to be shallow rubbish and the stuff you add to your bookmarks tends to be found after more dedicated searching and following links (well for me that is).

Oh, and BTW, Feedback on this blog more than welcome, as long as it’s balanced. Don’t feel you can’t give feedback in light of what was just said. I won’t bite your head off. Also, if you’ve started a blog and your traffic is slow, you’re wondering why, don’t feel discouraged, ask for the right help. Don’t let thoughtless feedback throw you, any sound advice worth following contained within is almost certainly also available from more thoughtful people.

Cheers